Phantasmagoria
by victoronice
Summary: "He waits for that time that he can grasp that feeling of euphoria." [変幻自在] [Oneshot, Itachi-centric, AU, Kakashi/Itachi ; TW]


He blinks open his tired eyes to find himself lying on the ground in the bathroom. All he can seem to notice is the scent of blood, which is very unpleasant.

He doesn't really remember exactly what happened, or how he got here. All he really knows is that his head is aching and he feels sick to his stomach as he begins to stand.

It takes what little strength he has to get up, and when he does, he does not look in the mirror. He does not look at the blood on the floor. He simply undresses and steps into the shower, trying to wash away his mistakes.

But are they really mistakes if he does it on purpose?

He knows that this is not the first time something like this has happened, and so when he finishes his shower, he makes sure to clean up the bathroom before his little brother gets home.

Although most of the time, Sasuke is away, off with his boyfriend or something, Itachi doesn't know - he isn't quite all there all the time, so he's not sure what Sasuke does when he goes. Itachi gets the feeling, however, that Sasuke leaves because of him.

He doesn't mind though; he knows he's a wreck.

But he makes sure to hide his unhealthy lifestyle from everyone who he comes into contact with. Sasuke included.

Nobody really knows what he does when he disappears into his room or the spare bathroom for long periods of time, and Sasuke never is home to ask; but he has always known that Itachi is strange anyway.

Itachi is unstable, but he just keeps it to himself if he can. Although part of him thinks his boyfriend Kakashi is starting to figure things out. Part of him, the part that feels no guilt for his actions, doesn't care.

He lies in his bed now after taking a tablet and wonders if Kakashi will be around soon to check up on him. Come to think of it, he realizes he hasn't seen Kakashi in a while.

Itachi drinks some vodka. It burns his throat and he coughs, but he drinks it anyway.

He then gets to see the wisps of light in his room - like stars, but he isn't quite sure what they actually are - and he sees a crow on his windowsill. He looks out his window and swears that he can see the northern lights, swears that all the real stars are falling ones. He sees things that aren't there, but these things make him feel intense happiness and he clings to them; he loves the feeling of euphoria.

Itachi isn't anywhere close to being tired, but he falls asleep anyway with a smile on his face.

When he wakes again it's only an hour later. He finds that happiness has gone, stolen from him while he slept, but that always happens, and so he heaves out a depressed sigh and gets out of bed.

He finds that he's irritated with the way his room looks and decides to clean it; it takes a while but he's full of energy, and he takes another tablet at some point.

Sasuke has already come and gone probably, and Itachi smiles sadly at the note left on the table. At least Sasuke is off doing things he likes.

Itachi doesn't eat. He rarely does - he is never hungry - and today is no exception. He only heads into the bathroom, doing unspeakable things to himself while he waits for that time that he can grasp that feeling of euphoria.

-/

He feels his boyfriend's hands all over his body, feels as Kakashi leaves burning hot kisses on his chest and for a moment, Itachi cannot breathe. He's drenched in sweat, which causes his hair to stick to him, and he feels as if he is on fire, and yet he feels as if this moment is perfect.

He feels Kakashi's finger penetrating him and then Itachi notices he really can't breathe, and he struggles to get any air into his lungs. He coughs out water, and for a moment he's confused.

He's sitting in the bathtub now, coughing up bloody water and he wonders if he had spaced out in there while taking a bath.

He gets out of the scalding hot water which burns his skin and dries off, getting dressed.

He then goes into his room, takes another tablet so he can see those wispy stars in his room and the crow on his windowsill and the northern lights and everything else, but this time Kakashi comes and lies beside him, not saying anything, and although Itachi doesn't remember when Kakashi got there, he doesn't ask and instead smiles as he reaches that point of pure euphoria and decides that he really hates being sad as he stares at his ceiling, thoughts swirling and his vision going blurry.

He blinks a couple of times and feels himself getting chills. He wraps himself up in a blanket, looking at Kakashi, who looks peaceful. Itachi finds the bottle of vodka he had the other night and drinks some.

Although Itachi isn't tired, he falls asleep once again, but tosses and turns throughout the night.

He has a terrible dream that night, in which both his brother and his boyfriend died and left him all alone. He's glad when he wakes up and a note from Sasuke is in the kitchen again, even if Kakashi left for the day without so much as a kiss or anything.

Itachi goes into the bathroom. The bloody water is still in the tub so he pulls the plug and lets the water go down the drain.

Itachi repeats his mistakes, takes a tablet and waits until he can be happy again.

-/

Itachi remembers that he smiles when Kakashi asks him to be his boyfriend. This is one of his favorite memories and he loves to remember it.

Sasuke is on the couch, shaking his head but smiling as well. Truth is, he knew Kakashi was going to ask his brother out.

He doesn't mind though.

Itachi says he will be Kakashi's boyfriend and Kakashi kisses him for the very first time. Itachi kisses back and their lips fit like puzzle pieces, and Sasuke looks away and the moment is perfect.

This is what Itachi thinks of when he finds himself collapsing on the floor, feeling nauseous and dizzy.

-/

"Itachi, this has to stop."

Itachi doesn't really want to listen to what Kakashi has to say about this. He'd rather pretend Kakashi and Sasuke still don't know. He tries to.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

Kakashi's eyebrows furrow, and he sighs out. "Yes, you do," he says, and Itachi doesn't understand why Kakashi stays together with him. He knows he isn't worth it.

"But I don't."

"Yes, you do."

"No, I don't," Itachi finally snaps, and Kakashi sighs out.

"You're not okay. This is not okay."

"I'm fine."

"Can't you just admit that you're depressed and need help?" Sasuke asks, exasperation in his tone. Itachi looks away from both of them at this point. "Can't you just admit that you're mentally and physically unstable because of what happened three months ago?"

"I'm fine," Itachi insists, but nobody believes him. He finds it's hard to pretend everything is okay when they act like this, but he keeps on. "Really. Besides, nothing happened three months ago. Everything is okay."

"First off, we found you near death in here, covered in your own blood," Sasuke says with a sigh. "We know you've been cutting yourself up and hiding it. Stop pretending everything's okay. We know you're not alright. And second, you can't pretend nothing happened forever."

Itachi gets up off the bloodstained bathroom floor that he supposes he has to clean again, not looking at his brother nor Kakashi as he turns to walk out.

"I am okay. Really, I am. I'm not pretending. And I'm happy."

"Are you?" Kakashi asks, eyebrow raised, and Itachi knows he doesn't believe him, but he still keeps on.

"Why wouldn't I be? It's nice to be alive."

It's a lie. He doesn't believe that, but Itachi smiles anyway and leaves the room.

-/

His wrists are probably bruising when Kakashi grabs them, pinning him down on his bed. Itachi takes the time, eyes wide open as he lies in bed again and reaches his happy place, to remember this night. It feels so long ago. It probably was long ago but Itachi can't seem to remember.

On this particular night, in this memory, he's naked and Kakashi is buried inside of him and it burns so badly that he's crying but it's just what he needs. He needs friction, the roughness. He needs to feel everything, even the pain, and Kakashi is trying to make sure he gets it. He tells Itachi he loves him, and Itachi tells Kakashi he loves him back.

Kakashi pulls nearly completely out and quickly thrusts into Itachi's burning cavity as deeply as possible, making him cry out Kakashi's name as he sees stars. He feels dizzy for a moment from it all.

Itachi smiles at this memory. He notices that he's not feeling aroused from the memory, but he feels happy.

He doesn't sleep at all. He notices he hasn't been sleeping a lot, but he's okay with it.

He takes time to remember when he found out Sasuke was gay.

It's a complete accident; Itachi is just going to tell Sasuke dinner is ready, but when he walks in, he finds Sasuke underneath his blond friend, Naruto, his legs spread widely. Itachi blushes and leaves, and Sasuke won't look at him for a while after, but eventually, Sasuke ends up coming to him about it.

Itachi smiles. He misses having Sasuke around but Sasuke is always away. It saddens him but he can't do a thing about it.

-/

He wakes up on the bathroom floor again. There's blood on the floor and some on his chin - he can feel it drying.

He thinks he must've taken too many pills again or something. He finds himself coughing, and more blood comes out. He cleans up the mess on the floor and looks at himself in the full-body mirror.

He realizes he's so skinny that his bones stick out. There are dark rings under his eyes, which are bloodshot. Blood is coming from his mouth, and cuts litter his skin.

He wonders if he really does need help. The thought makes him feel anxious and depressed, and he finds himself throwing up.

He decides he needs some cheering up, and takes another tablet.

-/

There's a knock on the front door and Itachi gets out of bed to answer it. He opens the door and Naruto is standing there, smiling sadly. This is a surprise. Itachi wonders where Sasuke is but he doesn't ask.

"Hey, Itachi," Naruto says quietly, and Itachi nods, smiling.

"Hey, Naruto," he replies, and Naruto doesn't say anything for a moment.

"May I come in?" The blond asks eventually, and Itachi nods again, stepping aside.

"Of course."

Naruto comes in and sits down. Itachi makes him a cup of tea and sits down as well. It's quiet for a while, but eventually, Naruto speaks.

"So... how have you been holding up?" Naruto asks, and Itachi is confused. He wonders what he's talking about, so he asks.

"What are you talking about?"

"You know, because of the accident...?" Itachi is still confused.

"Accident?" He asks, tilting his head in confusion, and Naruto looks at him as if he's lost his mind.

The blond is confused now as well. He watches the steam from his cup evaporate, not saying anything for a moment.

"You don't remember something like that...?" He asks Itachi sadly, and Itachi shakes his head. "It was only three months ago..."

"Nothing happened three months ago."

Naruto gives Itachi a shocked look look. "What do you mean, nothing happened? Something obviously happened."

"Nothing happened," Itachi insists, and Naruto gives him a sad look now. "Everything is okay."

"Itachi... are you okay? I know you can't pretend nothing happened. Did you lose your memory or something?"

"But nothing did happen. I don't know what you could possibly be referring to. And my memory is fine."

Itachi says this with a bit of aggression, and suddenly he wants Naruto to go away. He doesn't want Naruto to talk about this. He doesn't want to remember this.

He shifts anxiously in his chair as Naruto speaks again.

"But... three months ago, your boyfriend and mine - your brother - died in a car wreck on their way to my house."

Itachi parts his lips. He doesn't want this. "No, they didn't. They are fine. I just saw them."

"But... they're dead, Itachi... How could you have seen them?"

"They're not dead. Sasuke leaves me notes everyday before he leaves."

Naruto shakes his head, feeling confused. "Let me see these notes."

Itachi gets up, grabbing the note off the kitchen table and hands it to Naruto. "This is the one from today," he says, wiping his sweaty palms on his pants.

Naruto reads the note.

'Itachi,

Kakashi is taking me to Naruto's house today. I'll be back later, but I don't know what time, so don't bother waiting up. Love you, big brother.

\- Sasuke.'

Naruto tries to hold back a sob. "Itachi, this is dated the day they died... Sasuke left you this note on that day."

"No."

"Itachi... you can't keep denying their deaths. I know it hurts, but you have to move on. It's like you're still stuck on the first stage of the five stages of grief. You have to learn to accept it."

"There's nothing to accept. I can still see them. They're not dead."

Naruto keeps looking at Itachi with a sad expression. "How?" He asks, "How can you still see them? Tell me."

"When I can grasp euphoria, I can see them."

"...Have you been taking any drugs, Itachi?"

Itachi shifts uncomfortably, avoiding Naruto's eyes. He doesn't answer so Naruto asks again, and after a moment, Itachi responds, "Just a few. Why?"

"Which one do you take that makes you happy?" Naruto questions, and listens as Itachi murmurs his answer.

"...Ecstasy."

Naruto sighs out sorrowfully. "That's why," he says quietly. He looks up at Itachi. "The Kakashi and Sasuke you're seeing must be hallucinations. They actually are dead, Itachi. Do you not remember?"

In a sad, soft voice, Itachi whispers, "I don't want to."

Itachi falls to his knees, his head low as tears form in his eyes. "I take the drugs to forget," he cries, now shaking with his sobs, and his hands come up to attempt to wipe away the tears that won't stop coming. "I take them to make myself happy because I'm so utterly depressed and lonely and mentally unstable, I can't stand it. I'd rather live believing my hallucinations are real all the time, because then I don't have to be sad. I don't have to hurt myself anymore. But I can't seem to completely forget. I can't seem to lose myself completely. But... I'd rather live in a world of phantasmagoria than live in a world where they no longer exist."

Naruto crouches beside the crying Uchiha, taking him into his arms. He notices the cuts on Itachi's arms and knows there must be more. He holds Itachi close, rocking him back and forth.

"So... so many times when I remembered they were gone, I've wanted to kill myself so I can be with them. I made myself believe they were still here. I made myself forget they were gone. I pretended, so I didn't have to hurt. But now... I don't want to live anymore."

"Shh..." Naruto whispers, trying not to cry as well. "I can't let you die, Itachi. It's a nice thing to be alive." Itachi shakes his head - he doesn't believe that. But Naruto continues to speak. "And you know... Kakashi and Sasuke would want to you live." Itachi sobs, and Naruto soothingly caresses the Uchiha's back, and feels Itachi's bones beneath his clothes. He asks Itachi when the last time he ate was. Itachi shrugs - he doesn't remember.

Naruto gets him something to eat and sits down beside him on the sofa. Itachi eats, and won't let Naruto leave his side after.

"Please don't leave me alone," he whispers, and Naruto nods, holding him close again.

To get him away from the environment, Naruto takes him to his house. Itachi feels empty at this point. He has no drugs to make him forget, but he has Naruto, which is enough.

For a while, he is more depressed than before. He's fatigued, and he still hardly eats. He also gets lost in his thoughts and cannot seem to concentrate.

Naruto worries about him. Things are tough for a while.

But then... Itachi eventually gets help, especially after Naruto saw his body was littered with cuts and old scars. He sees a therapist to talk about his depression and his mental illness, and about how much he misses his boyfriend and brother, and about his addictions, which he's now recovering from.

With the therapist's and Naruto's help, Itachi finds himself getting better, and finds himself on the path to acceptance of the deaths of the ones he loved the most in the world.

He misses Sasuke and Kakashi, but they're gone and there isn't anything he can do about it except accept it, and remember them how they were, not how he made them out to be in his hallucinations.

Itachi sits at their graves one day and talks for a long time, about nothing and everything but it makes him feel better. He talks about how he no longer wakes up on the bathroom floor. How there's no more blood there to clean. How there's no more cuts to hide and drugs to make himself happy with. How he isn't making those mistakes anymore.

He may not be happy on his own yet, but he's trying. He's trying to find happiness without the help of drugs and cutting, and slowly, he's making progress. Naruto is there to help him, and Itachi is so grateful.

Six months pass, and for the first time since Sasuke and Kakashi died, Itachi wakes up with a smile and thinks, 'It really is a nice thing to be alive, isn't it?'

And for once, he's not lying. He believes it.

-/

A/N - Although it's a day early, happy birthday to Itachi. I'm sorry he gets a sad fic for his birthday but I was already writing this.

In any case, if this is too confusing please do let me know and I'll explain it c: sorry I wrote more angst. I'm good at it.

I hope you enjoyed this.


End file.
